Another post...

There were so many titles that could work here, but considering some of the circumstances, were entirely inappropriate >.>
Ugh.

So, first of all, Blogger has finally switched over to its new format.
Which I'm sure I'll get used to, and is much better and whatevs, but I'm in that transition stage. So bear with me.

Now, onto some other stuff.

Yes, I missed the entirety of April on here. And I have good reasons.
There isn't much more to say, for that. The people who need to know, know. If you think you are one of those people and you don't know, hey, it never hurts to ask. And I'll tell you whatever I think you need to know~

Despite this, I am now numbered in the prestigious ranks of Algonquin College graduates!
How exciting~! 

I am no longer living in Ottawa, I am back home for the time being.
This kinda sucks, but it'll all work out.
It just has to.

So I guess the next important thing to bring up is the absolute crappiness of the Queer community here!
Wow, that was harsher than I meant it to be, sorry!

But what I mean to say is that there appears to be almost nothing in the area to do/go to. There seem to be some things sometimes once in a while.
And a lot of radio shows, for whatever reason.
But there is nothing obvious that has consistent and relatively frequent meet times (that isn't volleyball.)

Oh well.

Oh, mang. There feels like so much to say (and I've got about twenty books I should review), and I actually have the time now to talk, but I have no idea how to start.

So for now, I'm going to let this dwindle, and maybe soon I'll have some crafty things to show~

A response

So I was reading a post from a blog I follow, and I wanted to respond. However my response got quite long. So instead I am posting it here.

The original post is this one:

http://bizzycrochet.blogspot.ca/2012/03/politically-incorrect-post.html

And my response follows.
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I agree with some of the backing to your points, the feelings I think are behind them, but not the points themselves.

I can't speak for everyone, but I can speak for myself.

I don't feel the need to go around telling everyone I'm queer. And, in fact, I rarely do any more. Most people can figure it out for themselves based on my comments and actions. It comes up passively in conversations nowadays.

But I did go through a period where I did tell people. The whole "coming out" thing.

I guess the reason that people feel the need to tell everyone is because people tend to assume "straightness".

I'm not straight. No more than I am black, a man, red headed or long haired.

But people can tell that I am white, can see my short hair, assume I am not a man; all just by looking at me.

But they can't tell my queer status. And while that is fine (most people don't need to know) it can make for awkward times if I want to get closer to someone.

I want people to know I am queer up front because it can save a lot of pain later on. There are people out there that reject queer people. And the sooner into the relationship I can determine their stance, the less pain will be brought from the rejection.

As for a personal blog of a queer person not having much in common... I think that is a bit presumptuous.

I still have relationship issues, I still go to work, I still talk about reading and movies, if I had kids I might talk about them... I still eat, drink, do arts. I could still own a home, run a family. I still go to school. Honestly, the issues we could face are much the same.

It is very similar to saying you wouldn't want to read the blog of a black man because you are a white woman, what could you have in common?
I'm a reasonable example, I've had maybe two out of seventy posts revolve around a queer issue-- and that is because I am currently going through some things.

Keeping it to yourself on TV/Movies... do you protest the idea of a straight person playing a queer person? A Christian playing an Atheist? What about a perfect husband playing a wife-beater?

The joy of actors is that they can play roles that they don't fit into perfectly in their home life. I'd protest more the idea that someone has to embody who they are playing in their personal life-- we'd have a lot more murderers running around.

As for school... ideally no one would be bullied. But that dream is a long way off. Right now it is being targeted because of all the suicides. If a rash of 'drama geeks' were to suddenly decide suicide was the best option, chances are there would be action taken.

Honestly, I was bullied for a lot of things in school. I am shy, I don't do sports, I like video games and the internet too much, I got too good of grades... Only once was I ever targeted for being queer. And that one time I was beaten black and blue. All the other things were taunts, a push maybe. It is the severity of the bullying around this issue that makes it so important at this point.

I've always had a hard time understanding Pride parades. For any reason, race, orientation, religion... They seem excessive.

I don't wear a shirt that says "Gay Pride". The closest I have is one that says "4 out of 5 cats prefer lesbians". I wear that because a friend gave it to me, not because I'm queer.

However they are good ways to keep the issues at hand.

There are no straight parades because there is little need to celebrate a majority. They aren't under duress.

As for the Chritianity/religion/Jesus/God thing... Not everyone believes the same thing, as you said. Unfortunately some people believe in spreading hate and fear. With time, and luck, those people may become less common.

Honestly, I did find some of your opinions questionable, but I can agree to an extent. The only thing I found affronting was the idea that you should pray for people who you are trying not to judge. It seems inapproriate to pray for the person. Perhaps pray for an understanding of the person (for your own use), but the person them selves should be able to make the choice of hw and who and what for, when it comes to prayer.

I am sorry you could not keep your friend on Facebook because of their friends, and I am really sorry they attacked you like that. Unfortunately on every side of any issue there will be people like that.

I'm not trying to sound hostile, I hope it didn't come across that way >.>

Update

Preface: Yes, I've not been updating. No, I don't think you care. Updates will be forthcoming after school settles down a bit.
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Just thought I'd give an update, vis-à-vis this post from about a month ago.

I came out to the general populace as a name changer a few weeks ago. I told a few people about the name change in person, then I changed my name on Facebook, and invited people to call me by this new name. I also gave leave to message me if they had more in depth questions.

A fair number of people asked why, and depending on the person they got slightly different answers.
Generally I'd start out with "I feel it suits me better, for a variety of reasons.". If that didn't satisfy them, and I was comfortable with them having the knowledge, I'd give the canned speech: "I am no longer identifying as female, I am identifying as nongendered, a type of genderqueer where I do not feel either male or female. As such a gender neutral name felt more fitting." They then either went "Oh, cool." or asked more questions.
A large number didn't ask, just "liked" the post. That made me happy.

It's been interesting, and I'm sure it will continue to be in the next 11 months (I've told myself I need to use and identify with this name for at least a year before I will legally change it. I want to be sure (and get the money together). ) There will be a lot of places where if I had the legal identification, it'd be easier. I almost want to just do it and, if it doesn't work, change it back later. But that feels like the wrong way to go about it. Even though it'll be harder to explain in the getting a job setting, etc., I'll just have to muck through it. I'm just thankful that I don't have to go through the mess of trying to change my gender marker, because it doesn't bother me enough that the legal world sees me as female, and because there is nothing more fitting to change it to. I feel so sorry for those for whom that is a necessary step.

There have been a few awkward moments already where I don't know what to say or do. But for the most part it has been great.

I wasn't sure if I'd tell my professors about the name thing. Then I realised that at least my program head would be necessary, if I was going to use her as a reference later on.

Talking to people who I've met once or twice before, so know my old name, but I don't expect to meet frequently in the future...
Basically deciding when and where it is necessary to give out what name.

I've gone the 'easy' route and decided that everywhere at all times is the best way for me. I can clear up the messy bits as I go.

At the LGBT youth group I go to I introduced myself as my new name after coming back from reading week. Then I actually started participating. Talking to people, socializing.
Not to say I didn't speak to anyone there before, but not enough people that they remembered my name.
They all know me as my new name, and they don't stumble or falter in using it. It feels great

.My friends are all trying really hard. I'm trying to be lax about correcting them... it's awkward for me to do because they tend to get angry at themselves for forgetting. And I'm not upset or angry, just trying to help cement the name in their minds. Ah well.

Not to mention the fact that I still "screw up" as they put it. I still chastise myself with the old name. I used to often alliterate the name with words, and those sayings are still stuck in my head a bit.

And there are still times where my old name feels right. They are very infrequent, and make sense when you consider I've had it my whole life.
So really using my old name is still... acceptable, if not ideal.
Anyway. I just wanted to put it out there that this name thing has been near-uniformly positive for me. And I know that people have a hard time when they read all these scary coming-out stories.
My coming out stories from this and from coming out as a lesbian, years ago, are near-uniformly exceptional. If you are thinking about it and/or want some positive examples you're welcome to contact me. I'd love to tell you about all the wonderful, fabulous, exceptionally accepting people in my life.

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Oh, as a side note, I was down town today with a friend and we took a look in some LGBT friendly (centric) stores. One was a book store. I was so excited. I wanted to read about 3/4s of what was in there.
There was a great looking book on FtM and other female-assigned-at-birth genderqueers and their stories. And one that was an FAQ about sexual and gender minorities (Is it a Choice?). Full shelves of "Lesbian Lit."! Mysteries, fiction, real life, spirituality... There were "normal" books too, but most of the store was LGBT stuff. I wish I had money, so badly.

The First Question and the Meaning of Life.

Yes, I know I missed bookmarks last week. No excuses, I just didn't feel like reviewing anything -shrug- I'mma try and do more though, so be alert.

Anyway, what I wanted to do today is very related to those Story Fragments I was running a while back (and I have a few more of those to share later).
It's a big thing I wrote two/three or so years ago, when I was in a philosophy class.
It's not exactly original, and it's a bit pretentious, but I think it is interesting and I just found it again recently.

So I thought I'd share. Have fun:

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The First Question and the Meaning of Life.

Albert Camus once said that the first question all philosophers face is that of suicide. All else comes secondary.
The truth in this statement strikes me every time I take a moment to contemplate it. Those who value life most tend to be those who have overcome death.
The idea of overcoming death is, in itself, rather odd and multi-faceted. You can overcome death by surviving war; you can overcome it by surviving the death of a loved one. But the way closest to ones heart is the question of suicide. If you contemplate suicide, you have contemplated the meaning of life.
But what do you find there? I cannot answer that question for you; I can only answer it for myself.
In class today we are discussing the meaning of life, and that got me thinking about my past, my future, and the way in which I interact with this world.
I believe in that short sentence, even if Camus himself did not.
I believe that every person, at every moment of their life, must overcome first the question of whether or not they want to live. Many people do this unconsciously, the desire to live so strong it requires no thought. Others are not so unburdened.
The choice of life may seem a simple one; who would not want to live? But for some of us it is a question that dogs our heels every time we stop to take a breath.
What do you value in life?
Why do you continue to wake up every day and live?
Who or what gives you the strength to continue?
These are questions that often pull forth long answers, despite seeming rather simple.
If you chose to live you are obligated, if only implicitly, to consider the life you chose. The unexamined life, after all. Would it be better for you if you had not chosen that life? Would it be better for someone else? Which matters more? What counts as 'better'?
In considering your life, consider what it means to be human, to be alive. What qualities are required for you to call something human? Sentient? Alive? Do they differ?
Do you fall under your own definition?
Now think on the meaning of morality. What is good? Is it simply the absence of evil? Then what is evil? Simply the absence of good? What would be required for you to call a person ‘good’? ‘Evil’?
Do you have any of these qualities? Do you consider yourself good?
If you do not consider yourself good, why do you choose to live the life you have? Do you choose it to appease family? Friends? Society in general? Or do you just feel that it is how you are ‘supposed’ to live? Or do you believe that even the ungood deserve to live? What about the truly evil?
Maybe you do consider yourself a good person. Do you recognize the evils in you? Do you work to prevent them? What makes you a good person? The assurances of people around you? Or your own heart?
If you were told that your memory was to be removed of every event in your life, the only thing you were to remember being your name, date of birth and the similar, would you cry out in rage? Joy?
What is it that makes you the person you are? Is it the combination of memories, experiences, thoughts that you have running through you? Or is it something less tangible? A moral fiber, a soul that would carry with you regardless of where or when you were?
I can speak not of other people. I have not lived like them, as them. I can only comment on the experiences I have had, and draw conclusions from them. From those generalizations I can structure my world. These generalizations are what I need to answer the first question, and the basis of the answer to the second.
Life is an ever changing word for me, much like the stuff from which it is made of. There is a distinct difference between life and living. To be living does not require life, and to have life does not require being living. Life is a process, living is an act. I do not value living, but I value highly life.
I have often said to people that I do not value life, that my life is meaningless in its inaction. This is but a partial truth. I do not value my living, the quality that many consider essential to life. I would willingly give my living to any cause that my death seemed warranted. If my dying were to advance the cause, and I did not find it objectionable for other reasons, my living would be given freely.
Many people will not believe this, for if I would give my living so easily, how am I still alive? Fact of the matter is, I have yet to be convinced that dying, mine or anyone else’s is necessary for anything to be advanced.
Often when considering the meaning of life people will ask the questions of: If there is only a short period of time in which you would continue to live, what would you do with that time?
This question, for me and many others, varies immensely depending on the amount of time in question.
What you consider a short time to live is a main component. Some people consider several months a short time; some consider several years a short time. How long would you consider a short time in life?
I was once asked as a matter of minutes, about half an hour, to be exact. I considered this for a few moments but came to the conclusion that I would prefer to live as ordinarily in those last few minutes as possible. Find somewhere to get comfortable, think about what I had done with my living, with my life, and search for the happiness in my life. What would you do if there was only a half hour left? How does it fit in with your thoughts on what makes a person? A good person?
This is a change from if given a few days, here suggested as a week. To this I came about to the conclusion that I would want to see family, friends. All my loved ones. I would want to tell them, one last time, how happy they have made me. Then I would want to become comfortable, as above.
If there was only a week left to your living, how would you spend it? How does this relate to what you valued above? How does this define your life?
The final question I was asked was that of twenty years. If my living were to be ended in twenty years, what would I need to do to feel complete? This question was the easiest for me. Twenty years seems like a vast amount of time to me, possibly as a byproduct of my youth. But also, possibly, because I have often been in a place where the thought of twenty years of living was unbearable.
My answer, however, is simple. Twenty years of living, I would like to do just that. Live. I would like to go to school, I would like to work, and I would like to meet some special people, share experiences and life with them. After that, I don’t think any special considerations would need to be made.
How about you? Is twenty years a long time? Why? Why not? Would you make changes to how you live now?
How would you react to being told that your life was to be cut short? If you were told that you were to have ten, twenty, thirty years of life left, but it was cut short. Would you be angry? Would you bargain, try to get more time? How long do you consider enough? Seventy years? A hundred? Maybe you consider twenty years to be sufficient. Do you know why that amount of time seems like enough? How would you react getting less than that? Getting more? When you consider life as a long chain that will eventually break, does your perception of the world around you change? Your system of values, morals?
As to the meaning of life, what meaning is there without purpose? Perhaps meaning is purpose, or perhaps purpose is meaning?

Bookmarks - The Professor and the Madman

Sorry for the late post. I came home for the reading week and have run out of premade posts.

The Professor and the Madman is copyright 1998 by Simon Winchester. Published by HarperCollins.

This is what I would call a "creative nonfiction". It is a book based heavily on the story behind the Oxford English Dictionary.

It tells you the embellished facts about the two main contributors to the dictionary, Professor James Murray who headed the campaign for the majority of its run, and Dr. W.C Minor who submitted more than 10,000 entries to the work.

Minor was incarcerated for murder, and Murray was a professor at Oxford.

It tells their stories, using historical truths and backed up data... and filling in the gaps with narrative.

I like the style of this book, it goes back and forth between narrative and laying out pure fact. It makes everything bite sized. It helps that I am interested in language and dictionaries.

All in all a good gateway book to fiction from nonfiction or vice-versa.

Neither, and the Choosing of Names

Hey there~

So. I've been doing that thing that I think every one should do, questioning my self.

Not just that kind of second guessing thing, but my self, as in what makes me intrinsically me.

Soul searching, I suppose.

I should probably preface with saying that I've been going to a group recently where one of the opening questions each session is what your preferred pronoun is.

...for those who I've lost, a pronoun is something that replaces a noun. Your name is a noun. So Elsie is a name. If I want to talk about Elsie, I could use Elsie's name over and over, every time I referred to Elsie. But as you may have noticed, that's freaking annoying. So we use pronouns like "she" and "her".

The standard ones in English when referring to people are:

I Me My Mine Myself

You You Your Yours Yourself

He Him His His Himself

She Her Hers Hers Herself

We Us Our Ours Ourselves

They Them Their Theirs Themselves

You You Your Yours Yourselves

Then we have the object ones,

It It Its ...... Itself

They Them Their ...... Themselves

The main ones we deal with are the He/She ones. And that is where there is some issue.

If you are not biologically what you identify as, what pronoun do you use?

Trans people know this fight well.

So people try to create gender-neutral pronouns (Many languages have them. English leaves us with "it").

Ze, Ey and Xe being the most popular that I know of.

But it gave me a chance to mention what I've known for a long time. I don't like using the feminine pronouns (she) to describe myself. (For those who didn't know, yes, I am biologically female. Joy.)

Years ago I thought about using male pronouns. Years ago I briefly thought I might be a transperson, and would want to go the route of changing myself physically. But that never felt right.

I let it be for a while, then I realised that I don't really feel like either. I've known some people who feel like both. Androgynes, Bigenders and Genderfluids, I've known people who describe themselves in all these ways (I consider online friends to be "known", here). But that never felt quite right either. I don't feel like I'm both. I feel like neither.

So I did some research (then, and again recently). There are people who identify as third gender, which is closer to what I feel, but still not quite.

Then I stumbled on agender, or having no gender, and Neutrois, which are similar. Prior to this I had already determined that I feel genderless, I was just looking for words. I still don't like the words though.

I'm going with nongendered. Though linguistically incorrect, I feel it fits best.

Anyway, as this relates to my previous ramble, I want a pronoun that is not 'She' like my sex, and not 'He' as I don't feel male. I don't like the gender-neutral ones (I find them too convoluted and sound weird to my ear when referring to me.) Not to mention that while they may be neutral ground on the scale of male to female, they are still gendered pronouns. Just neutrally gendered. Which doesn't fit.

So I've settled on the logically available pronoun, It.

As English uses It to refer to things, and things are (in the English language) inherently without gender, it makes sense to use It to refer to someone without gender. (Not to mention it just feels right.)

That's one issue down.

The second (and easiest of the three I'm bringing up) is what do I do with my sexuality. I may be agendered, but I am definitively NOT asexual.

Being a bio-female, and being attracted to females, I've always presented as a lesbian. It's easy, it's quick, and it's technically true.

But my definition of a lesbian is a woman who loves other women.

And my definition of a woman is a person who identifies as female (regardless of sex).

So it isn't, by my definitions, true that I am a lesbian, because I am not a woman as I don't identify as female.

And I hate to lie when it is unnecessary.

So what to do.

But I stumbled upon some great words while doing my gender research most recently.

"Androphilia" and "Gynephilia"; attraction to men and attraction to women, respectively.

They are used by researchers and scientists when trying to present data without bothering with gender. A Gynephile is someone who is sexually attracted to women... regardless of their gender. Straight men and gay women are all gynephiles.

So yay, that is a problem crossed off the list with no fuss.

I may not be (by some definitions) a lesbian. But by definition I am a gynephile. Woo.

A third issue is my name.

(I'm not telling you my name for a few reasons. One, if you are reading this you probably already know it (I have no delusions of grandeur, I know very few people read my rants.); two, if you don't know it you don't need to; and three, read the rest of the paragraph and you'll see it is pointless to tell you.)

My name is decidedly feminine. I have never heard of a single man with my name. This doesn't feel right.

I've met a person recently who can't seem to remember my name. So he calls me Sam. Sam is a nice, gender-neutral name. And I have to admit, it felt nice.

It also hearkened back to those years ago where I had thought about changing my name. I've never hated my name, it is a nice enough name. But it has never felt all that fitting. I just don't connect to it. And I figured that was fine.

But recently I've thought, maybe I can have a name that fits me. That I relate and connect to. So I've been on the look out for a new name.

And I think I've found one. It just feels right.

But let me tell you, it was not easy to do. Sort of. Once I found it, and let it permeate, it has become easy. But finding advice about picking a new name? Incredibly difficult.

No offence or disrespect to my trans friends out there, but that is who all the advice is aimed to.

Advice such as finding your name on a ranked list of popular ones for the year you were born, then finding the equally popular opposite gendered one and using that... well, it falls flat.

They have good points and (to me and my situation) pointless ones.

Picking a name that is easy to say, spell, read, and is ethnically close to what you present as, those are all good pieces of advice for my issue.

Feminizing/masculating your given name doesn't work. (For one, my name has no masculine form. For two, I don't want a male name any more than I want a female one.)

So yeah. I just wanted to put that out there. I have an obsession with proper terminology, which can explain why this is such a big thing for me, I guess. Sorry for the long rant, it's just how I operate.

Bookmarks - Cut

Lets follow a theme, I guess. Now don't go getting all worried on me, I've had this book on hold for a while, coincidence brings it so close to the last one (considering I read the last one three weeks ago, this one last week, whatevs.)

Anyway:

Cut, by Patricia McCormick, copyright 2000, published by PUSH, part of Scholastic.

This is another book about self-harm, however Cut takes place almost exclusively in an inpatient environment. Our main character, Callie, spends the first half of the book not speaking to any one. We learn through her internal monologue and description where she is and why.

McCormick gives a pretty accurate portrayal of the desire for self-harm, and an interesting back story for why Callie turned to it.
Not as powerful a book as Scars was, however.

It could still be a triggering story, but I found it less pushy and less disturbing.

It is nice to see a positive portrayal of the inpatient environment though. A lot of people tend to be frightened when they think of being hospitalized for mental health (I blame One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest for this, personally.), so it seems like a good thing to show teens that it isn't all bad.

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Side note, again I am linking a previous post about suicide/self-harm here for good measure. If you are feeling bad I suggest looking at that and/or finding a resource you consider helpful in order to feel better.

(Thoughts on Suicide)