So. I've been doing that thing that I think every one should do, questioning my self.
Not just that kind of second guessing thing, but my self, as in what makes me intrinsically me.
Soul searching, I suppose.
I should probably preface with saying that I've been going to a group recently where one of the opening questions each session is what your preferred pronoun is.
...for those who I've lost, a pronoun is something that replaces a noun. Your name is a noun. So Elsie is a name. If I want to talk about Elsie, I could use Elsie's name over and over, every time I referred to Elsie. But as you may have noticed, that's freaking annoying. So we use pronouns like "she" and "her".The standard ones in English when referring to people are:I Me My Mine MyselfYou You Your Yours YourselfHe Him His His HimselfShe Her Hers Hers HerselfWe Us Our Ours OurselvesThey Them Their Theirs ThemselvesYou You Your Yours YourselvesThen we have the object ones,It It Its ...... ItselfThey Them Their ...... ThemselvesThe main ones we deal with are the He/She ones. And that is where there is some issue.If you are not biologically what you identify as, what pronoun do you use?Trans people know this fight well.So people try to create gender-neutral pronouns (Many languages have them. English leaves us with "it").Ze, Ey and Xe being the most popular that I know of.
But it gave me a chance to mention what I've known for a long time. I don't like using the feminine pronouns (she) to describe myself. (For those who didn't know, yes, I am biologically female. Joy.)
Years ago I thought about using male pronouns. Years ago I briefly thought I might be a transperson, and would want to go the route of changing myself physically. But that never felt right.
I let it be for a while, then I realised that I don't really feel like either. I've known some people who feel like both. Androgynes, Bigenders and Genderfluids, I've known people who describe themselves in all these ways (I consider online friends to be "known", here). But that never felt quite right either. I don't feel like I'm both. I feel like neither.
So I did some research (then, and again recently). There are people who identify as third gender, which is closer to what I feel, but still not quite.
Then I stumbled on agender, or having no gender, and Neutrois, which are similar. Prior to this I had already determined that I feel genderless, I was just looking for words. I still don't like the words though.
I'm going with nongendered. Though linguistically incorrect, I feel it fits best.
Anyway, as this relates to my previous ramble, I want a pronoun that is not 'She' like my sex, and not 'He' as I don't feel male. I don't like the gender-neutral ones (I find them too convoluted and sound weird to my ear when referring to me.) Not to mention that while they may be neutral ground on the scale of male to female, they are still gendered pronouns. Just neutrally gendered. Which doesn't fit.
So I've settled on the logically available pronoun, It.
As English uses It to refer to things, and things are (in the English language) inherently without gender, it makes sense to use It to refer to someone without gender. (Not to mention it just feels right.)
That's one issue down.
The second (and easiest of the three I'm bringing up) is what do I do with my sexuality. I may be agendered, but I am definitively NOT asexual.
Being a bio-female, and being attracted to females, I've always presented as a lesbian. It's easy, it's quick, and it's technically true.
But my definition of a lesbian is a woman who loves other women.
And my definition of a woman is a person who identifies as female (regardless of sex).
So it isn't, by my definitions, true that I am a lesbian, because I am not a woman as I don't identify as female.
And I hate to lie when it is unnecessary.
So what to do.
But I stumbled upon some great words while doing my gender research most recently.
"Androphilia" and "Gynephilia"; attraction to men and attraction to women, respectively.
They are used by researchers and scientists when trying to present data without bothering with gender. A Gynephile is someone who is sexually attracted to women... regardless of their gender. Straight men and gay women are all gynephiles.
So yay, that is a problem crossed off the list with no fuss.
I may not be (by some definitions) a lesbian. But by definition I am a gynephile. Woo.
A third issue is my name.
(I'm not telling you my name for a few reasons. One, if you are reading this you probably already know it (I have no delusions of grandeur, I know very few people read my rants.); two, if you don't know it you don't need to; and three, read the rest of the paragraph and you'll see it is pointless to tell you.)
My name is decidedly feminine. I have never heard of a single man with my name. This doesn't feel right.
I've met a person recently who can't seem to remember my name. So he calls me Sam. Sam is a nice, gender-neutral name. And I have to admit, it felt nice.
It also hearkened back to those years ago where I had thought about changing my name. I've never hated my name, it is a nice enough name. But it has never felt all that fitting. I just don't connect to it. And I figured that was fine.
But recently I've thought, maybe I can have a name that fits me. That I relate and connect to. So I've been on the look out for a new name.
And I think I've found one. It just feels right.
But let me tell you, it was not easy to do. Sort of. Once I found it, and let it permeate, it has become easy. But finding advice about picking a new name? Incredibly difficult.
No offence or disrespect to my trans friends out there, but that is who all the advice is aimed to.
Advice such as finding your name on a ranked list of popular ones for the year you were born, then finding the equally popular opposite gendered one and using that... well, it falls flat.
They have good points and (to me and my situation) pointless ones.
Picking a name that is easy to say, spell, read, and is ethnically close to what you present as, those are all good pieces of advice for my issue.
Feminizing/masculating your given name doesn't work. (For one, my name has no masculine form. For two, I don't want a male name any more than I want a female one.)
So yeah. I just wanted to put that out there. I have an obsession with proper terminology, which can explain why this is such a big thing for me, I guess. Sorry for the long rant, it's just how I operate.