Another blog I read posted something interesting that I wanted to reply to. But once again, I am too verbose and would feel like I am stealing the comments with my big response.
The blog, Raptitude, posts some really thought provoking things reasonably frequently.
And I encourage you to check it out. Here, however, is the specific post I am replying to: It's another Monday morning, do you know where you are?
“Here” is on my bed, in my room in my mother’s house. My hide-y hole, the only place in this house I really feel any semblance of safe, free, true. The only place I can do what I want, say what I want, look at what I want… but I still have to be careful.
Even here I feel bound and constricted.
I am here, with the most bluntness, because I failed in a suicide attempt a bit more than a week ago.
On a more general level, I am here because I have no where better to be, nowhere else that wants me, because college ended a bit more than a week ago, because I don’t yet have a job.
How did I get to this point, of a recovering suicidal, depressive, lovesick, feel-for-nothing genderqueer?
That is a very long story, and most of it is irrelevant to this specific post, but I think I am going to explore it after this.
Today feels unimpressive to me.
It feels about the same as yesterday and only marginally better than a week ago. Worse than a year ago, okay enough compared to a month ago.
I have a girl on my mind, nearly constantly; and it is pissing me off. The things I feel for her are more than either of us want from our relationship, at this point.
At the same time my brain is being pulled about by the need to find a job, by the depressing facts of my past and a person I saw from it recently; by the seemingly quietly hostile environment I am in.
Returning to my thoughts?
The nothingness of my existence. My lack of control in all things my life.
The fact that if I let myself, I would have an eating disorder. That I fuck with my sleep patterns in order to control something, the same way as an anorexic controls food.
That even that doesn’t offer me any real control over my life.
The fact I that I haven’t cut myself for exactly five months.
But if I could, I would.
The fact that I don’t want to be in love, at the very least ever again.
That I can’t let myself feel things, because it ends in pain.
The insanity and obvious depressive elements to how I think.
My life, at this precise moment, is heading nowhere. I have no prospects for change. All I keep thinking is “If you change nothing, nothing will change.”. And yet it feels like I have no choice in my inactivity. That I have no option but to do the same things “If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always gotten.” And that’s all I’ll ever get.
Eventually I’ll have to find a job that’ll take me. I’ll probably hate it—majority of the world hates their job. Maybe I’ll actually find a girl who will look past how broken I am and try to love me—I’ll probably fuck it up, as I have told myself I am not allowed to love again. That, and I am never enough, or the right thing for anyone. And that cycle will continue. New girls, new jobs. Eventually I might come across some I don’t hate, and can allow myself to love. Then I mess with that until I time out. Until life finally f’ing ends, and I finally get what I want. For what will feel like the first time.
What seems to be exiting my life… Relationships, a whole lot of them. Some not so important, some so crucially important I felt like they were tearing me to pieces to leave them. But now I have killed that feeling. Put it away somewhere dark and quiet. Maybe I’ll take this box out again someday and actually feel the emotions. But until then, I am as close to happy as I am capable of. So I’ll keep shoving it aside because I have cried too many tears.
So in the end, right now I am coasting. I am doing whatever makes sense at the time with the hope that it’ll all turn out. Because in the most fucked up way possible, I am one of the most hopeful people in the world.
I wield my hope like a sharpened boomerang.
Did I chose to be here?
No. On even the most basic level, no.
I chose death over everything that I currently have.
And if I thought I could pull it off, I'd still chose it.
If I had anywhere better to be, I would be.
So everything just sort of settled this way.
I am waiting to hear back from a job that I am hoping against hope I will be called to an interview for. That I want more than nearly anything else at this point to get.
I am avoiding a great number of things.
I am not really excited for anything, because nothing really feels worth getting excited about.
Do I feel like I am where I am supposed to be?
I feel like I am in the only place I can be. Which is very close, but not at all the same thing.
That feels like a good snapshot of where I am. Depressing, hopeful, apathetic, over emotional.
That said I do like the exercise, because I am a big fan of self-reflection. I hope others will participate as well.