"The growth of understanding follows an ascending spiral rather than a straight line." ~Joanna Field

Monday, September 5, 2011

Yeah, another life update.

If you're wondering, yes, I do get sick of talking about myself to the internets.

However I need to get back into the habit of trolling (or maybe "strolling") all my favourite sites again so I can post some content.

Anyway, until then, things have happened around here. Most notably, I'm back in my Residence, ready to start school again.
Which is neat, I guess.
But I don't really know how to react.

As you might remember, I haven't been on medication for my depression since about February. This next month is going to be the real test of the validity of my decision making skills in that regard.
There are days and hours where I feel the best I've ever felt. Full of hope, joy and intention. And in those times (and to be honest, they are rather frequent) It feels like the best idea I've made, I feel free and happy.
Then of course are the most plentiful times, where there is just the 'heh, heh, yeah...' normalcy. And that is good too! That time is what I used to count as feeling GOOD.
But then there are moments like now. I wouldn't say I am depressed, exactly. But I am down from the "level" place. It's usually precipitated by something. A big move, meeting someone who surprises me, a bad memory, or (as in this case) a dream. And these things get me thinking about things that don't exactly qualify as happy.
And I suppose that this is normal; ups and downs, right? And that doesn't bother me that much.
What bothers me is how hard it is to pull out of a down time.
I never get down enough to be really upset, I just get this general malaise about me that is hard to shake.

And it all comes down to regret or fear.
Like meeting a friend from last year (Lets call her R. Because if for some crazy she reads this, she'll know who she is anyway.) that I treated wrongly. Not really on purpose, and not horrifically, but still. Wrong. I regret acting that way to her. And I'm afraid that I will again. Afraid that she is worried that I will.
The fact that she has specifically forgiven me for those actions, and never found them that discomfiting to begin with doesn't stop either feeling.
Having a dream about my teacher; a great dream! a connected, feel good dream!, but having that dream reminds me of actions I took, and actions taken... not against me, but it sure feels that way some times... anyway, those memories again spark regret and fear. Regret that everything got kinda f'd up then/there, and fear that it will happen again here/now. And regret that I can't fix it here/now. Can't even try.

But the biggest thing right now is sadness. Remembering her is like remembering someone who was very close to you who is dead now.
And she's not dead.

So all of those regrets, all of the things you wish you had said/done/felt/meant, you haven't done those. But you don't even have the cruelty of death to blame for your inability to correct it.

Mix this random dream with moving to a new/old place to be with a new/old person, and meeting Good Ol' R for the first time in months (and spending those months believing she rightly hated me)... then spending a night playing card with her. Trying to make awkward conversation.

All those things together and it's not surprising that I feel a bit wiggy.
But typing this has made me feel better. So I guess that's something.

Now to go see if I can battle Rogers to give me back all of my internet.